My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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