i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
