I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
