Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Please don't give away my fajitas
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