Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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