I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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