Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize