I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize