I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
