Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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