Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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