Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
