I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
