if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
