I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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