i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
