look no pants
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
