I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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