My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
