Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
