sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
