Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
