i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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