Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
