I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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