He is such a slut. More and more my type.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
