I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
