I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
