bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize