So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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