The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
