wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
My balls are so social today.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
So many bounce houses so little time
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Randomize
