I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
PANTIES FOUND
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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