haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
All I want is dick and wine.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
