I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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