I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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