hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
