You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
