oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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