Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
