Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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