this boner is exhausting
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
