I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
