Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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