Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
