i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
