youre lurking in front of me
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
