Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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