the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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