There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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