Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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