How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
