Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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