so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
