Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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