I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
