I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
